The game before the game

So one of my favorite things about the Super Bowl is how all the hype, long layoff before the game, and thousands of media members seems to bring out the craziness in players. (Or maybe the nuttiness is always there, but now there's someone around to record it).

The result is always some of the funniest and oddest quotes, this side of a joint Shaq-Rasheed press conference. Here are some actual quotes from actual players, all via ESPN's Chuck Klosterman's blog:

Florida really is its own universe
"People are expected to do X-Y-Z things, but I don't do X-Y-Z things. I'm Darrell Jackson, you know? I went to Florida. Nothing was ever given to me. I'm D-Jack."
-Seahawks wide receiver Darrell Jackson

That'd be a pretty quiet crowd
"Matt Hasselbeck spent much of his time on the podium talking about God; he said the Seahawks have numerous hard-core Christians on the squad, and that provides a unique sense of unity. "There is scripture that says, 'In your weakness, you see God's strength,'" said the balding quarterback. "A lot of us are united through this. I remember playing with Trent Dilfer, and -- before a big game -- he would say, 'Tonight, let's play for an audience of one.' We always try to remember that.""

Names you never thought you'd see linked

It is probably a cheap (and unoriginal) shot to ridicule journalists for asking idiotic questions, but I still find myself obsessed with the media's desire to understand what playing pro football feels like. A few minutes ago, Jerome Bettis was asked this question: "OK, Bus -- let's say the clock is ticking down and the Steelers are ahead. You are about to win the Super Bowl. Tears are running down your face, and the game is almost over. What is going through your mind?" Now, how is this a reasonable query? I'm mean, it's not that easy to describe how you feel when you're actually experiencing life in the present tense; how is Bettis supposed to describe the emotive sensation of a futuristic alternative reality? Does this guy think Bettis is Philip K. Dick? And how does he know Jerome is necessarily going to start weeping (and -- if he does -- wouldn't that suggest Jerome's mental state will be completely self-evident)?

In 1994, David Foster Wallace wrote an amusing essay about how reading Tracy Austin's co-written autobiography deeply disappointed him, partially because Austin was prone to expressing sentiments such as, "I had just won the U.S Open. It felt great." Obviously, we don't really need to read books to learn such things. But there continues to be this unkillable belief that the role of sports journalism is to help us understand how it feels to live an extraordinary athletic life, since that kind of life is beyond the average human's physical (or mental) comprehension. The problem, of course, is that this is an impossible quest, and not just because it's difficult to quantify any visceral experience; it's impossible because everyone perceives their own experiences as normative. For Jerome Bettis, winning a Super Bowl would probably feel less alien than having to operate a forklift for eight hours, which is probably why this was his response to the reporter's question: "Mission accomplished."

Klosterman's pretty funny; here's a section he wrote on football players, and 'disrespect' (when you go on about how an opponent doesn't respect you, aren't you showering him with respect, by showing how much you care about his opinion toward you?):

We play this game for respect," Seahawks rookie LB Lofa Tatupu unknowingly responded two hours later. "And to win."

The order of these priorities does not seem uncommon. As far as I can tell, there is not one player on either of these teams (or in the totality of the NFL) who has received the correct amount of respect. Sometimes guys are underrated, and sometimes guys are overlooked -- but nobody has ever been respected accurately.

I keep hoping somebody like Antwaan Randle El will blow everybody's mind and say something along the lines of, "Well, we've had our ups and downs this season, but I sense that the rest of the league respects us an average amount. I feel comfortable with the level of our public esteem." Sadly, this never happens.

Earlier this week, someone told Jerome Bettis that certain Seattle players questioned whether he was truly 255 pounds. Bettis said, "They don't believe we are a good football team, either." Now, does Bettis truly perceive this as reality? I can't believe that he does. And I realize the conventional wisdom is that jocks use disrespect as motivation, but that can't be true, either; real people simply aren't stupid enough to trick themselves into insecurity every single week for five consecutive months.

I suspect athletes complain about disrespect for the same reason bank tellers tell you to have a nice day: It just kills time and sounds normal, mostly because no one is ever listening.

This guy's good; he mixes sports and reality well. I've always contended people who don't care about sports should nevertheless read the sports page, as a microcasm of the rest of the paper. Here's more Klosterman:

Something that's becoming clear (and perhaps predictably so) is the ferocity with which the NFL aspires to promote the concept of the Super Bowl, a goal that requires everyone involved (including you) to embrace a specific philosophical contradiction: On one hand, we are supposed to view Sunday's game as the most significant conflict since the Tet offensive, because only a game of that magnitude could warrant such an ostentatious display of hyper-accelerated Americanism; at the same time, we are forced to concede that the game itself is fundamentally meaningless, since nothing this mammoth and transcendent could possibly hinge on something as trivial as Hines Ward's proficiency at running the corner post. It's the kind of circular logic that drives the Patriot Act: This singular game is so important that it's (obviously) more important than any single game.

Here's (sort of) an example: There is a lot of Super Bowl merchandise available in this Renaissance Center, and throughout the city as a whole. This, obviously, is neither surprising nor problematic. But here's what always baffles me: Why would anyone buy a T-shirt (or a hat, or an ascot, or a waterproof matador cape) that merely promotes "Super Bowl XL"? An inordinate percentage of the available items in the Renaissance Center's gift kiosks do not feature the logos of the Seahawks or the Steelers; they generically advertise the abstract existence of a football game. This would be like going to see Marilyn Manson at Madison Square Garden and buying a $22 T-shirt that said, "THEATRICAL, DRUG-FUELED ROCK CONCERT." It reminds me of the nonspecific commercials TV networks like NBC run that promote the channel itself, almost as if they assume there are actually people who privately think, "I have no idea what's on television right now, but I better check NBC first. I get the impression they're especially confident about the quality of their current programming."

Some of Klosterman's favorite quotes

(1) Troy Polamalu: "I do not have a split personality."

(2) Ike Taylor: "There will be a tomorrow." (Excellent!)

(3) Hines Ward: "Winning the Super Bowl would help me get solidified."

(4) Hines Ward again: "After losing Plaxico Burress, we proved a lot of naysayers wrong." (Take that, naysayers!)

(5) Ben Roethlisberger: Looking very My Morning Jacket-ed, Big Ben mentioned that we are fighting a war in Iraq. As soon as he said this, about 25 guys wrote it down. Roethlisberger also stated that Sunday's Super Bowl would be much bigger than any game he played at Miami of Ohio; about 30 guys wrote that down.

(6) James Farrior: "Go talk to Jerry Porter."

(7) Joey Porter: "The 3-4 is more complicated for opponents than the 4-3, because the 3-4 makes it harder to count the number of guys in the box. In the 4-3, you know there are four down linemen." (True.)

(8) Willie Parker: "Every day of your life, you need to do something to your body. You need to sit in a cold tub of water, or whatever."

My second favorite quote
"The nature of a man who has a competitive spirit will be to inevitably live a life which involves that man overcoming obstacles. But the sport of football is too physically and emotionally difficult to play simply for money or success. Personally, I have been inspired by God."
-Steelers Strong Safety Troy Polamalu

Why the NFL should expand to Jerusalem
"Football is the best way to heal any situation"
-Steelers Linebacker Joey Porter

AP Photo/Elaine Thompson, Seattle Seahawks' Floyd Womack laughs at a news conference.