Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Chinese 201


A friend passed along the documentary below, called A Chink in the Armour, made by a Chinese-Canadian.

Despite some rough production values, it's pretty funny; he sets out to test the truthiness of five stereotypes about the Chinese in North America (that they all speak Chinese, are bad drivers, can't drink, are good at math, and know kung fu).

I'd add five more:
-They're all recently arrived from farms in China
-They're rote learners and not creative
-They're various degrees of exotic, inscrutable, ancient, mysterious, and patient
-They all eat 'Chinese food,' which of course is best defined as lemon chicken, beef lo-mein, chicken feet and fortune cookies
-They're generally in secret communication with each other and laugh unpredictably

For me, the unintentionally funniest part of the documentary is the interview with the (non-Chinese) chair of the Chinese studies department at a Canadian university. There was just something about him that made me laugh; he came across as the type of professor who'd good-naturedly butcher the pronunciation of names and without shame display gaping holes in his area of expertise (like the professor of Hitler studies in Don DeLillo's White Noise who doesn't understand German). At one point he quotes something his kid nephew said, either as an example of someone who trades in stereotypes about the Chinese, or as an astute observer of the Chinese; it's unclear.



The documentary ends with a Monty Python song, I like Chinese, which I hadn't heard before. Aside from the slight Chinese mistranslation ('ai' is love, not like, which would be 'xihuan'), I find the song remarkably accurate.

No wonder the British were so beloved in Hong Kong!

The world today seems absolutely crackers,
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing and it's senseless, and that's why...
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly, and they're ready to please.

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
There's nine hundred million of them in the world today.
You'd better learn to like them; that's what I say.

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.

I like Chinese food.
The waiters never are rude.
Think of the many things they've done to impress.
There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess.

So I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught.
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

So, I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're wise and they're witty, and they're ready to please.

All together.

[verse in Chinese]
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Ni hao ma; ni hao ma; ni hao ma; zaijien! (How are you; how are you; how are you; goodbye!)

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees.

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.

I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees...
AP photo of Yan Zi and Zheng Jie demonstrating the secret handshake via China Daily.

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