Want fries with that?

You can't make up some of this stuff. There are so many funny quotes in the Detroit Free Press' day-after coverage of the suspension of an assistant coach for the Lions that even the unprecedented bizarreness of the situation can get lost.

Lions suspend assistant coach for opener

Nicholas J. Cotsonika: The Lions have suspended defensive line coach Joe Cullen for Sunday’s regular-season opener against Seattle because of his two recent arrests, NFL sources said Thursday.

Lions coach Rod Marinelli informed the players of the suspension during a team meeting Thursday morning, but he declined to discuss the situation when he met with the media after practice Thursday afternoon.

“I’m not going to talk about Joe right now,” Marinelli said. “It’s an in-house decision what we’re dealing with. The team knows, I know, and that’s what’s important.”

Cullen coached the defensive line as usual Thursday and is expected to continue coaching in practice. He was unavailable for comment.

Lions chief operating officer Tom Lewand declined to comment, and team president Matt Millen could not be reached for comment.

Cullen met with the defensive linemen Wednesday.

“He was just like, ‘This is what happened. I apologize,’" defensive end Kalimba Edwards said. “He was real professional about it.”

Cullen was arrested and charged with indecent and obscene conduct Aug. 24, the night before the Lions’ third exhibition at Oakland. A worker at a Dearborn fast-food drive-thru window saw him naked behind the wheel of his SUV and called the police, according to police reports.

Then Cullen was arrested and charged with drunken driving Sept..1, the night after the Lions’ exhibition finale against Buffalo. After he sped down a Dearborn street without his headlights on, someone called the police, and when the police found him, a breath test determined his blood-alcohol content was .12, over the legal limit, according to police reports.

“In pro football — in life, period — in this day and age, it’s hard to be shocked by anything,” Edwards said. “When he told us, we were just like, ‘All right. We play football on Sunday, dog. Keep on coaching. We’re going to keep on playing.’"

Some players learned of the incidents by listening to sports talk radio as they drove to team headquarters Thursday morning.

When Marinelli addressed the situation in the team meeting, he didn’t go into detail about what Cullen did.

“I’ve been trying to find a paper to get exactly what happened,” wide receiver Eddie Drummond said.

Marinelli — who called it a “great, great talk” — discussed how he expected the Lions to handle the potential distraction. He said this kind of thing was why he put the Lions through a tough training camp and why he flew them to the Bay Area the day of their exhibition at Oakland instead of the day before.

“Who can forget that airplane trip and concentrate on the game?” Marinelli said. “We had 13 guys who could do that. … That’s how you handle these situations with the team. They seemed to respond very well. We’ll find out. We’ll come and we’ll go put ourselves on the field on game day.”

Marinelli has only one team rule — the “Do Right” rule, which essentially means use your common sense and do the right thing. He also has a “Do Right” list. Mess up — in ways little or large — and you’re on it.

Cullen is “on the ‘Do Right’ list today,” wide receiver Roy Williams said, speaking figuratively. Cullen was not actually on the list. “I’ve been on the ‘Do Right’ list, too,” Williams said.

Williams said the Cullen situation wasn’t a distraction for the offensive players because they “don’t even know the guy, really.” But as for the defensive linemen, Williams said: “It might be a distraction for those guys.”

The defensive linemen insisted they could see Cullen the same way they had before and respect his authority.

“We’re supporting the guy,” defensive tackle Marcus Bell said. “We’re behind him. That’s all that matters.”

“The thing is, he’s a Lion, he’s family and we’re going to support him because all he does is support us,” defensive tackle Tyoka Jackson said.

“As a professional athlete, man, what goes on in a person’s personal life ain’t got nothing to do with the job,” Edwards said. “All kinds of stuff’s going on in these cats’ lives. You’ve still got to go out and play ball on Sunday.”

Uncredited Detroit Lions photo of Cullen via the Free Press.