Birmingham marches awry

There's nothing worse than thinking you have two hours of American Idol ahead of you, and discovering the show was actually just an hour. Oh well; Idol's in the South again, this time Birmingham--let's see if it can top Memphis, which sent 22 (but unlike Birmingham can't boast it's produced Ruben, Bo and Taylor).

First up is some blonde chick from Auburn... oh-oh, she thinks cause her song choice of Unchained Melody is one of Simon's favorite he won't give her any trouble if it's bad.... Ugh, she shouts it--off-key. Outside her blonde compatriots are pleased so far. Simon calls it "never-ending torture", to which she asks if she can keep it up and try another song, launching into one over the vehement objections of the judges. It's actually funny; she keeps singing, and is surprised that SImon hates it. Has that vacant valley of the dolls look. Simon learns from his compatriots as she walks out that when you brush your shoulder at someone it's not good.

Katie Bernard, who has a high-pitched speaking voice (like Paris); singing a House is Another Home, which I like. And she can sing--in an interesting way, like deep at parts, sortof soulful throughout, I like her. Plus I like her personality. Paula says interesting audition, Katie apologizes, Paula's like don't be so fast.... Randy wants her through; Simon says no; up to Paula--who says you just got married, you should start that life. So Katie pulls in her husband (who's also wearing red); Katie yammers on, but Paula puts her through, to annoy Simon. Ha! What fun. Reminds me of Kellie a bit, but not as good.

Hmm, short commercial breaks tonight. Next is Tatiana McConnico, who's a singing student. Good song choice, strong voice--and good singing attitude. Someone who just straight-out can sing. Problem for me is she's like the dozens of other good young african american female singers who never quite make the top in the eyes of Idol voters.

Another contestant from Atlanta, Diana Walker, who's large now but says she was a cheerleader in high school (as the base of the pyramid). I like her, the way she talks; she's confident but respectful. Does Whitney--a strong, gospel-influenced voice, but I just don't really enjoy listening to her, too much intake of breath. Judges are cracking up; her version is a bit over-the-top. Oh well; too bad.

Short commercial breaks, short segments. Back with Bernard Williams II, who will definitely make it--clean-cut good-looking guy, nice vibe. 'Rock with You' by Michael Jackson; melodic, fun. Simon says very good; Paula is shocked--great tone, but completely off key, says no (hmm, this never happens). Simon lobbies for him, says he has potential; Bernard says 'dawg' to Randy, and he's through. Hmm, interesting.

Back with some big girl all in yellow, they do the expected Big Bird thing. Hmm, so far every contestant but one has been black; this one's a caricature of oblivious. She claims to be 26. Hey, her voice isn't bad--gospel-like, she actually has a nice tone. Too bad she's past the age limit and is acting like a clown. She admits being--33? Then 50! SImon says she was atrocious, which I disagree with.

Two (quick) contestants, then some commercials. Day 1 coming to a close already. They briefly show some white chicks making it through. Next, this year's Kellie Pickler--big accent, blond, attractive, lives with grandma, daddy's paralyzed; but I don't feel the same instant likeability yet I did with Kellie. Says his wife was cheating on him, he caught her, shot her, then hit himself. Okay.... Jamie Lynn Ward; hmm, a good voice. Bit uncontrolled and almost too big, but definitely potential--she just needs some training. Paula says it's very pretty, nasally at times but when you're relaxed it's nice; Simon says actually I agree with what Paula just said. Randy and Paula send her through; Simon says he'd have said no. Ugh, she does this little preening dance at the end.

Some idiot with big curly hair, Chris Sligh. He says he sees Christina Aguilera (not Jack Black) when he looks in the mirror. He's so self-centered and deluded it's not even funny, trying to be funny. Kindof an interesting speaking voice though... singing isn't bad, actually--Paula is like, What?! Nice pace, nice compellingness to it. Hmm... I'm actually enjoying listening to him sing Kiss From a Rose, there's like a hushed quality to it, good tone. Paula really likes him, Simon looks a bit shocked. Randy says he likes him too; on he goes. Wow, one of the more unlikely people to make it through to Hollywood. He displays a bit more self-awareness afterwards; who knows, maybe I'll wind up liking him more.

Day 2, only 20 minutes left--and Paula apparently had to ditch for a family obligation. Some chick with super-long hair, 6-feet long, 4 inches taller than her. Her mom's been growing her hair since she's been 29. Seems nice, has a gentleness to it; ugh, then is sharp when she's getting her mom in, won't let her bring her glasses. Someone who's likely to go nuts when she's mad I think, like Kathy Bates. Hey, she can sing though--it's a very old-fashioned singing voice, does Raise Me Up; like something you'd hear in a Shaker church. She could totally be like in the 18th century. Simon doesn't like it; Randy says it was just okay. Oh well, would've enjoyed seeing her interact with kids today. Sure enough, she freaks out with her dad at the end, hyperventilating in anxiety or something.

Some bad people; some preternaturally calm woman who's probably nuts--sure enough, a horrible voice but loud as heck. Gosh; Simon asks what the hell was that. He's a bit mean to her I think. They show clips of people politely saying thank you even after Simon rips them. Hmmm, I like this segment, even though I think they're mixing and matching judges and reactions.

Back, montage of nutty supporters and their homemade signs/shirts/buttons. Focus on Nichole Gatzman, whose 'team' all wear pink t-shirts; she actually seems like a nice person, with a decent speaking voice. And hey, she can sing! Husky voice, Something to Talk About; good pacing, nice tone. Simon says she's old-fashioned and sings through her nose, it's a shame. Randy doesn't think she's ready now, but tells her to come back--oh, too bad. You know, in previous years she'd have made it at least to Hollywood.

Finish up with some crazy chick who talks waaaay too much and has a big head. Oh-oh, Like a Virgin; which is a notoriously hard song to sing, the pacing is not at all intuitive, non-standard word inflection is important, and everyone has Madonna's version in their heads. She starts fighting the comments immediately, actually says maybe it was the floor or something--humoring her Simon says try the carpet, while muttering Brandy, you are barking mad aren't you. It's funny, they're not that harsh, more making fun. She doesn't get Simon's sarcasm that the carpet made a huge difference, he goes on an extended comedy bit about how he can't believe everyone else tried singing on the floor. At the end she goes on a rant, says Paula's even better than you all anyway; maybe it's the two guys dynamic.

Simon walks outside as she's ranting to Ryan, she complains about him, then calls Randy a faker. It's actually very funny, she's pretty quick on her feet; then makes fun of Simon when he tries to return using the wrong door. This is cracking me up--then she starts swearing at Randy, so it turns ugly.

So 20 people got out, two less than Memphis. Nobody that I really liked tonight; partly because the segments were so short. There was a lack of energy tonight--maybe because Paula was missing for the entire second half. She adds an unpredictability, and Randy and Simon especially often play off her. Fox really has hit upon the perfect mix of judges.

Next is Pasadena, which should be good. They close with Brandy's extended rant on previous contestants, and anything that comes to mind. She's what people down south call crazier than a runned-over dog.