Rained on

Based on personal experience, Seattle has more weirdos per square mile than any other city in America, so American Idol auditioning there should be 'good'. Hour 2 is live, hour 1 from tape.

Rain, of course. And--Uncle Sam, who wore his cop uniform last year. I remember him--very cheesy. But not a horrible voice, actually. Oh god, doing God Bless America. Is bad, is dismissed, again.

Some deluded fat girl next, claims to go by The Hotness. Just looks unlikeable. Tries to sing with gum in her mouth. Is wretched. Wants to keep on going. Gets into it with Simon, keeps being defensive. Tries to sing another song. Paula's encouraging her; sings over the judges telling her to stop. Simon tells her to get a job down at the port.... She does the obligatory swearing at Simon afterwards, says he probably listens to that back-country sheep stuff. What a hostile woman.

Next, some Asiatic chick who says her husband wasn't supportive of her, that she's wasting her time. We know from the promo that she's no good, even though she seems soft-spoken and not a total weirdo. Breaks down talking about her son; I feel bad for her, has some self-esteem issues. Does Christina, very badly. Earnestly, but it hurts to listen. I think Paula's into false hope this year more than ever, is beaming at her. Says she's sick, gets water--no better, of course. Tone-deaf says Randy; she seems nice, but is deluded. They're being pretty mean to her, except for Paula. Simon shouts NO at her after she sings another song.

Some clips of very bad people; including a truly scary guy who shouts DIE, DIE, DIE. Next some crazy Texan chick with odd white hair. She says her look is sexy--she looks like she's wearing a shimmery sack. She looks a lot like her mom, who's also weird. Simon keeps quite as Randy and Paula mess with her a bit; he actually usually doesn't participate when it's obvious someone sucks. His is an odd cruelty, with its own rules--he generally doesn't beat up on the defenseless, tends more to go after the jerks. Her mom comes in at Randy's invite, goes on and on. Don't Cha--my gosh. No, says Simon. Tries to launch into Sweet Home Alabama. Randy gets the mom back into the picture, but they're kindof sweet in their cluelessness. Blame it on the nerves....

Rain coming down, maybe it's washing away the talent? A montage of people being denied. Then, Thomas Daniels, who from promos we know is good. Afro, has got some sortof confidence. Slept outside to audition; third time in 4 years auditioning. Hmm, has a very sweet voice--how did he get denied before?! Just has a nice quality to the voice. Mmmm, a little off-key on the high parts, but nice and mellow overall. I could see him doing well, not a natural top 12 but could get there if he doesn't self-destruct. They send him through, first one outof Seattle. His fam's pretty excited (wife?! has same hair), Ryan's got their little dog. If Simon and I ever have a baby, this is what it'll look like, crack Paula.

Another dog with another contestant, who I don't believe will be good. Weird outfit; very weird, like big pink tights on her arms and legs. Not a bad speaking voice though. Ugh, I don't like her before she sings, is crass.... Randy starts singing 'I love big' and she rips off the rest of Sir Mix-a-lot's lyrics. It's a no, of course; she's not any good. Her friends are all there, quite a motley crew. Simon's still talking about her afterwards, says it looks like she'd been caught in a net. Hey, wait a minute--I don't think she was wearing tights.....

Some kid with a Ryan-like hairstyle, Blake Lewis. Seems like an earnest nice guy; says he's a beat box champ. Not horrible, but not my cup of tea. I don't think he can carry a tune--good energy, but off. Simon, however, says you're good, maybe not as good as you think. Paula says you're good; Randy likes him too, but wrong song. They send him through, I don't think he'll do anything. His dad, a blue collar type of guy, is very proud afterwards, almost crying--his son says his dad is his inspiration, the hardest-working man in Seattle. Hmmm... nice kid.

Ryan's starting to rip on Seattle. Show some idiots; including some nerd in a shirt and tie who is loud but is like that awkward teen clerk they always show on the Simpsons. Afterwars he says it's been a major wake-up call for him.

Then a brother and sister team, Indian-Americans, their dad is a classical Indian musicians. They both seem like nice kids, big smiles--and she's attractive (he is too). They have a fun dynamic. He's confident--confident but foolish, she says laughingly. Has a good vibe to her, good energy. Shyamali Malakar... she can sing, does Summertime. Just a good audition; big voice, no self-consciousness to her, but nervous Paula says. Nothing unique, nothing different, very pretty says Simon. Randy says good voice, need to find yourself. They send her through; she shows some spunk with Simon.

Her family goes nuts, and she hugs her bro for good luck. He tells Randy he doesn't think he's better than his sis. Sanjaya--he has a good voice too, does some Stevie Wonder. Has a big smile, a good luck--and total likeability. Like his sis, not afraid of pauses in the song. Simon says you're a lot better than your sister; she has the stage presence, but you have the better voice, you're a shy little thing. Out he comes--yaaay. Someone to root for, both seem really cool, and have fun with each other.

Some kid they've been promoting as super-nerd. Self-taught musician, typical computer guy who's missing some social awareness. Has a robotic weirdness to him, very nervous. What makes you the next American Idol, asks Paula. I am a leader, he says. When asked what makes him unique by Simon, he says he doesn't really have a good answer for that. Does Unchained Melody. It's very interesting--like each note individually seems to have been worked on--but there's no rhythmn to it. Like one of those automated voices speaking English. And the high notes--oh my gosh. Truly painful. Makes you appreciate how good the Righteous Brothers are, it's a hard song, very tricky melody.

He asks afterwards if that's not good enough. Simon says it was one of the worst he's ever heard--almost non-human. Weird tone, says Randy--and not pleasant. None of the things you want singing to be. When will you sing again, asks Ryan--I don't truly know, he says, woodenly. Ryan joins him in just standing there afterwards, it's like he's in shock. He doesn't seem like a bad guy, just odd.

The last person from Day 1 and another contestant originally from Latin America, Rudy Cardenas. He has the right look; and a pretty sweet voice. Seems a bit cocky, and is usually outof tune in the second part of his song--but Paula likes him, and Randy joins her to outvote Simon's emphatic "it's a no." I think he'll do okay; I've already told a friend that the show's going to try and feature Hispanics this year, but I don't think Cardenas is a candidate for top 12.

They show clips of Simon getting ripped on by talent-less contestant; only 7 got out on the first day.

Day 2 dawns sunny. "The worst bunch of miserable contestants ever" is what Simon called day 1. Why is it fat people are still fair game for ridicule in this country? They show a fat kid and his crazy-eyed hobbitish sidekick--oh, boy. They both seem to have difficulty speaking.

Small boy first, who seems like that Tattoo guy on Fantasy Island. Dances in a very rote way; breathless singing. His buddy's listening at the door, with an air of concern that's quite funny. Simon rips on him--you look a little odd, compares him to one of those creatures who lives in the jungle with massive eyes--a bushman.... Paula's on the ground in some sortof strong emotion. He leaves, a bit upset.

Now fat boy strolls in. Apprehensively. Simon asks if he's borrowed Randy's trousers. Talks like he's taken helium. Doing God Bless America. With a ton of fake vibrato that sets his belly a-shaking. Monkey-boy says he sounds real good from the outside. They don't rip on him; he tried his best.

Afterwards self-proclaimed monkey boy says he doesn't look like one. They show the two strolling off together. Definitely one of the funniest twosomes on AI in a while.

More clips of bad people. Then, some hairdresser guy who's pretending to be Tyler--but seems like a total dork. He can't speak properly either. Is really loud, but no good. Just not likeable at all. Tries to touch Simon's hair, which gets security up and out.

Montage of Ryan being short. Then a tall black woman, 6'4. She could be decent. Pretty confident. Ex-Air Force. She dances like a stork or something, good energy. Not really singing, more shouting. Randy and Paula start growling at Simon when he says she's a bit over-the-top. He then pouts and refuses to participate; on she goes. She's a novelty act, don't see her doing nuttin. "You just put through a giraffe" says Simon.

Ooh, Jordin Sparks--she has it, from the second you see her you know. Not a great body shape, but--she can sing. Not great, a bit sharp for me, but a big voice and good poise, does a hard Celine Dion song, while she's singing Simon says to Randy she's the best we've seen here. Randy says he's blown away; her dad is an ex-Giants player I've never heard of. A bit too much says Simon, even comments on her weird smile--which I liked, it was young and nervous and natural. Paula and Randy predict she'll do well. I could see her as top 12, has that kind of brightness and energy that gets the judges a bit giddy and slappy afterwards.

My gosh, they next show very bad people doing Don't Cha and then some other song. It's actually horrifyingly bad, and hard to watch. Many of them aren't so much singing as emoting. Only 7 got out the last day; 14 in all--3 less than Minneapolis.

They close with some red-haired guy who exudes hostility and attitude. And again has trouble speaking; he looks like he could be one of those white serial killers (whoops, redundant) if pushed too far. Why did you enter this competition, asks Simon--I like competition, he says. Oh, no--he sings Bohemian Rhapsody in this scary high-pitched voice, the judges crack up. Not even trying to hide it; on and on he goes. He really is the freakiest. Simon says that may be the weirdest audition; compares it to a 1-year-old singing the song.

He says Simon should bring it on; swears, then says stand up and coach me. He starts spouting nonsense. Even the staffer sitting by the door with headphones on smiles as he leaves.

And that's it. Memphis next; 17,000 showed up--my guess is there'll be some good ones. The promo's well-done, reminds you how much fun this show is.