New hope for American Idol

Ah, American Idol is back... am half excited, half afraid. Hope it'll be as good this year as it was a couple of years ago; fearful it'll be as much of a slog as last year.

The opening montage is even more hyper-edited than ever; it's making me dizzy, and a bit anxious. Somewhere in there is the next Idol, promises Ryan. Well... I guess we'll see.

Philadelphia is the first of the seven this year. Apparently some famous things have happened here; funny going from Ben Franklin to Rocky.

"Biggest crowd ever" says Ryan; they seem to fill the home of the 76ers. There's only so many ways they can show the judges filing in, but here they are again.

First up is Joey Catalano, who's shed 204 pounds in a short time apparently. He says he's gonna show us he's still the same person inside, just on fire. Randy cheers his loss; sings Maroon 5, Sunday morning. It's allright; nothing so compelling about his falsetto to my ears. Oh boy, two more hours of this.... Simon says great voice, but not sure if he's Idol material, but good voice; the others fall in line, he's in (shakes their hands after asking if he can approach them).

Some weight jokes from the panel; then the first of hundreds of commercials, to be followed by the opening of the freak show. Some recent immigrant from Egypt, seems very sincere (especially about his love for the Bee Gees and American girls) but unfortunately I don't think the dude can sing. Supposedly his friend told him he's got a sexy face... is his friend Borat? This segment goes on waaaaay too long. He goes in, Ryan's grimaces behind his back; Paula--who's Lebanese--can actually say his first name, Alaa; the others have some issues. Ah, yes, making fun of someone's name never goes outof style; then they mess around with his infatuation with Paula.

He's not horrible, actually, singing a Bee Gees song; kindof doesn't get the words quite right, but it's very sincere, and has a nice tone. Were this American Dreamz, he'd be through; Paula praises stuff about him, Simon goads her to be specific about why she doesn't think it's right for him, long silence; Randy says sorry, Simon just piles on.

You know, if this is the way the new season's gonna be, Idol's gonna totally fail--he's a sweet guy, they're being jerks about it, as Paula says; Idol's core audience isn't a bunchof sarcastic guys from NYC, this kindof mean-spiritedness isn't gonna play.

Melanie Nyema next, she totally oversings, not bad tone but stops short after a few bars. Paula says oddly she really likes her, Simon says neither here nor there; Randy likes her. So weird--why didn't they show more of her?! She's in, though; who knows why.

James Lewis next, in a odd orangeish suit, sings Go Down Moses in a deep, bizarre voice, like he's drunk or a slowed-down record. The brain trust except for Simon is just laughing at him, hiding their faces like it makes it any better. Simon chuckles at the end, he starts singing something else, they break in and say this isn't your thing. Paula asks him to forgive them for laughing... yeah, it's as simple as that.

I don't know, I really am not digging any of this. It's just not that entertaining to make fun of people you know are bad. Some guy butchers Simon's fave Unchained Melody; some girl gets told to shut up, some Asian American destroys a lullabye.

Junot Joyner breaks it up, you know he's going to be good just based on the quiet way he presents himself, and he is. Jose Candelaria sings an aria, he's good; Jonathan Baines sings simply, he's good too. Wow, they just zipped past these guys, is this the new strategy--show very little of the best, dwell on the worst?!

They spend a bunch of time on Temptress Browne; big, dark girl who plays football. She has a good story, doing it for her mom, who's huge and can barely breathe amazingly. Wow, it turns she does a lot for her mom; okay, it turns out to be a better story than the initial setup. Let's hope she can sing.... She's very polite, all yes ma'am to Paula; 10 kittens in her house, too. Belts out I'm Not Going Nowhere, which she attributes to Jennifer Hudson. Eh, it's not good; not totally bad, but not good enough. She starts crying, big-time; Paula and Randy give her a hug, then they all go outside with her fam. Is Idol turning into a bad version of Oprah?

I'm really seeing an identity crisis here; we're 1/4 of the way through, and so far it's been all sob stories and freaks. Just super-short snippets of the good singing, which in past years was one of the best parts of this round, practically the only real diamond-in-the-rough moments left.

Back with Mark Hayes, who has a good look to him and can imitate a cricket. Jeez, he's not singing White Christmas... yes, he is, and it's cheezy and boring. He just stops at some point, they play up the whole silence/no reaction bit.

Hmm, is funny immigrants gonna be the theme this year?! Some silly South Asian guy doing MC Hammer in the hallways. You know, I haven't laughed once yet tonight. Does My Way for the judges; it's ridiculous, but very confidently delivered. Simon just mocks him, asks if he seriously thought he had any chance of getting through, he says yeah, Simon says you're nuts. He keeps asking for advice, constructive criticism, even wants to sing again; they like making fun of his name.

A bunch of bad people doing lines from I Love Rock N Roll. Some really crazy costumes/hair/voices. Really, they're producing this show within an inch of its life--with all the crazy real stuff on YouTube, they can't possibly compete this way.

Some weird rock chick after the break. Wow, they even went to her home, she lives in a studio with her mom, is studying to be a vet; paints, draws. Why are they wasting so much of our time on people they've already previewed as being bad?! In her case they've already promoed her cursing out Simon, it's just silly. She's totally freaky when she starts singing, Don't You Want Somebody to Love, like an alien down from space. Simon says she's a bit possessed, like she's channeling voices. She's stunned by their rejection, genuinely seems surprised; walks off pretty peacefully.

Then outside starts going off on Simon for some reason. She gets worked up more and more, how dare he; excuse me, you, sir, suck. (ha, 3 commas in a 5-word sentence! She vocalizes her thoughts, and totally goes crazy. Her mom says he's English, that's his #1 problem. My gosh, she gives the camera the finger multiple times. She's ranting and swearing at the camera on her way out of the hotel, there are some shocked guests standing behind her.

It's sad, but the most telling footage we see of the good contestants is from the teasers as they go to commercial. Back, montages of people who made Hollywood who we never heard sing (yes, this is a singing show). Then, Angela Martin and her family; she had a baby in high school, who has a cerebral palsy-like disease. I'm sure Angela can sing, cause otherwise this would be waaay too cruel; the entire family is breaking down talking about it all. Simon likes her cuteness; she has a bit of the Paris Bennett voice thing going on. From Chicago, full-time as a singer, does Signed, Sealed and Delivered. Has a good Motown voice, they actually show her singing for a bit. She, like all the other talented African American woman in the contest, will only go so far though, it's too hard to get all crazy about some with this type of genuine backstory. Simon tells her not to work it so hard, de-weddingize her style.

Simon says afterwards, as her family is going crazy, he could never celebrate with someone he knew just cause they got good news. Off to day 2, which they're promoing as hot girls come out.

They recap what we just saw, then start wtih some twitchy, crazy-dancing chick in a pink dress, Alyse Wojciechowski. She seems pretty well put-together, but when she starts singing my god she is loud and strident. More bad nightmarish loud singing; some old guy wants to get in to audition, he has a message for the Idol audience, wants to sing No Sex Allowed. Hey, he's a social worker and a singer-songwriter, says people need to hear his songs. Milo Turk... pretty nuts, some odd accent, the chorus is pretty hilarious, it's apparently meant for kids to chant along with a hand movement.

Hey, just noticed they got rid of the people can't get out of the door gimmick! Next, Kristy Lee Cook who lives in a log cabin in Oregon, and trains for cage fighting, drops in she's needed the self-defense skills a few times. Some nice shots of her riding, had to sell a horse to pay her way to Philadelphia. She's cute and blonde, singing Amazing Grace; she can sing, nice tone. Will be fun to have her around--I mean a horse-riding cage fighting hot backswood girl, how can you resist?! Simon likes her sincerity, they all like her, she's in.

It's hard after a quality contestant like that to come back to some freak in a cloak. He says he wanted it to be a surprise, Simon says what, he says my costume, Simon says so that's not your costume, he takes it off and he's dressed in a Princess Leahish outfit, with lots of hair. Paula/Randy mess around with him, says he can wax the hair off and come back.

More bad people, then a montage of peole swearing, some weird-looking stalkerish guy who wrote a love song for Paula, he's totally creepy and the song is really scary, it's about stalking Paula, he's very intense, the lyrics are getting totally nutso, Simon trys to get him to stop, he refuses; Simon tells him to leave, security comes up and escorts him out. And Randy was just laughing, as Paula shrunk back; Simon's actually a pretty decent guy.

Hey, a contestant from Michigan, she immediately seems nice, brought her toddler. Beth Stalker, polite even though Simon's rude at the start. Has a good voice, does Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered; very classic performance, haven't seen this from a woman before. Simon stops her, says he doesn't think she'd stand out, says no; Randy says yes, Paula agrees. I think Simon's wrong... she's nice, hopefully has something inside.

They return with the costume guy, now waxed apparently. My gosh, he's red all over. It's even more disturbing, actually. He starts dancing, Simon cuts him off, it's totally ridiculous, he's just up there to be crazy. He walks out, Simon says why does some guy that fat want to be on TV.

Hey, someone who deserves air time, Chris Watson, interesting-looking guy with dreads, he has a good calmness to him; soft-spoken, sings well, nice different tone to it. Simon says you seem like a star, good all around. Chicks will like you, says Simon. Cool, he has his fam with him outside, so he won't turn out to be some idiot.

Back, apparently bad people explaining their rejection afterwards; two girls left, so you know one bad, one good. First up is some Princess Leahish chick, she needs to get together with cape guy. She's totally nuts, the eyes, the look, her way of talking--one of these chicks who just vocalizes way too much; also something oddly mannish about her. Just a dork/jerk in front of the judges, her grandparents seem nice but out of it. She's actually not horrible, but not up to Idol standards. Okay, now she's horrible.... It's too bad, with a lot of polishing she could be interesting-looking, instead of just weird. She keeps telling them the show needs a goofball... maybe, but how about one who could sing?! She's totally manic, breaks down in front of her disapproving grandparents afterwards, swears a few times.

Brooke White--who's a nanny--kindof sneaks into the room while the tirade is going on, I like her at once; she was brushing the crazy chick's hair, had this funny look when the extensions popped off. She's very sweet with the kids she takes care of. Says she's never seen a rated-R movie, something very innocent and from an earlier time about her. Oooh, what a neat voice--it's compelling, controlled, I really like it. The best I've heard today. Randy says something pure about the voice, Simon says you're sincere, nice voice, a bit wordy but good. Celebrates funny afterwards too.

They do a montage of some of the others at the end, for like .2 seconds each. A very attractive chick is part of it; some interesting looking people, we'll see how they pan out (including a Mr. T-ish guy).

Off to Dallas tomorrow; I'm half-excited. I really don't understand the thinking behind not showing good people early though; it's a good thing presidential campaigns aren't run this way.

Here's who I liked out of Philly, in rough order (really, how much can you tell at this point, editing has so much to do with impressions). They say 29 went through, it's sad we only saw 10.

Brooke White, no rated-R movies
Beth Stalker, Michigan mother
Kristy Lee Cook, cage fighter
Chris Watson, dreads
Junot Joyner
Jose Candelaria, aria guy
Jonathan Baines
Angela Martin, with the baby
Melanie Nyema, girl who sang for a few seconds
Joey Catalano, guy who lost all the weight