Super-sized Idol

Finally getting around to watching night 2 of American Idol; they're in Dallas, which is where they found Kelly Clarkson nigh so many years ago. Strains of the J.R. theme (my gosh, the 80s were ages ago); Texas-sized freaks, and apparently it's hot too.

They briefly touch on the contestant who went into labor, one out of 13,000. Apparently Paula showed up late (in a crazy flowered dress). Jessica Brown up first, she'll be good; apparently a big partier in college, became a meth addict. Hmm, Bo Bice will be happy to know having a drug conviction is now seen as appealing by American Idol.

It's a pretty inspiring story, actually; anyone can come back from anything in America. Good thing for Simon. Sings Stand By You; it's over-sung, but a good choice of song; a bit pitchy, but not a bad voice, there's conviction in it (I've seen the dark side too), some emotion. They show quite a bit of it, unlike with the other 'good' people. Simon nails it--you made the song interesting, it was a good audition but.... So weird, though--hardly a teen idol.

Some weirdo dancing; earnest but dorky, works at a ballpark. What we call a big galoot; funny, reminds me a bit of Taylor. Butchers a song sung by Elliott Yamin. Okay, let's move on, we get it, he's horrible. He claims his family gave him two thumbs up, Simon says they must be very nice. Paula keeps calling it joyful, but I think he's just a bit slow, claps a lot, like a seal. Simon does a droll imitation of him afterwards.

Another idiot girl, Kelly-wannabe; why do these people even try out--she was a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant. This insane falsetto voice, like she's singing through her nose, but at max volume, it's hard to listen to. 'Beautiful disaster' says Randy, Simon says let's go with the last word. Her friends are very supportive, maybe the three of them together....

They string together a bunch of bad ones; I wonder if anyone has ever pretended to be horrible for the producers, then shocked the judges by singing great. Alaina Whitaker, she says people compare her to Carrie Underwood. She can either be horrible, or not bad--has that overbearing arrogance. I think bad... ha, surprisingly not bad, I like her. Has an interesting, strong, soulful voice--her attitude is more bearable when she sings. Not as good as you think you are, says Simon; good singer, though. They're deliberating about her, put her through.

Back, everyone seems to be wearing sandals. A unsettling discordant duo, why don't people just try their best, without the gimmicks. Idiot son and crazy dad; Bruce Dickson says he's never done nuttin with no woman, his dad gave him a key at 13, dad wears around his neck the heart the key fits into. Actually seems like an okay guy, just weird. Hmm, interesting guy, good voice, lot of soul in it. They wonder if he's voice is good enough for the room, not on TV/the radio... wow, they say no. I'd have put him through, interesting guy.

Pia 'Zpia' Easley, weirdo haircut but a good speaking voice, I like her right away. She can sing, too; very bluesy, and straight-ahead confident. Again, she'll never win, but she can sing--Simon starts grinning, likes her, says she's interesting, don't have the demeanor of a backup singer--confident, stylish, like you a lot. Seems pretty humble, big cheer when she runs out.

They're gonna waste some time on a guy who's been saving his peeled fingernails since he was a kid or something, it's idiotic. Brandon Green; hmm, he has an interesting voice--good choice of song, Rich Girl by Hall n' Oates; good pacing. Like a country boy who amuses himself by singing. Simon says he's forgettable, Paula says she likes him, Randy likes him--wow, a freak makes it through! This guy's got something that I think the chicks could like, too bad the whole fingernails thing is what people are gonna remember.

Some chick with an odd voice, Kayla Hatfield, farm girl; was in a bad car wreck; hmm, actually profile makes her seem like a good person, family definitely is good people. Her face was messed up, only one good eye--a really good attitude. But can she sing? Not sure, voice is heliumish. Very nervous. Sings Janis Joplin, powerfully--the totally perfect, maybe only, choice for her. Almost too much, too raw--so weird her speaking and singing voice are totally different. Simon says yes, under the assumption most rock singers should be slightly mad, in a good way. Paula's been much more serious this year, giving good advice, and surprisingly says no; Simon starts lobbying Randy to give her a chance. Wow, totally improbable; I feel bad for her roommate in Hollywood.

Some bad people, who don't know it. A pretty cute chick finishes the day, Kady Milloy; she does impressions. Britney one is pretty funny. Man, she's got some attitude, in a good way; Simon stops her, says sing you. So she does Unchained Melody, it's pretty good--you wanna listen. Not sure if she's just a great actress. Simon says you're the best so far this year, super, super talented. Paula says come and sing your own songs.

They now show briefly the 11 other people who made it through on Day 1, but who they decided not to show. Day 2 starts with a dork (you can tell from the background music, even if nothing else). He turns around and warms up with the judges there, it's pathetic; so nervous or something, he starts and stops as he sings, doesn't complete words; like he's hyperventilating. The guy lives in a world of his own, is walking around in a big circle, drinking water. The kind of person who becomes a serial killer, he's so divorced from reality and society and doesn't listen. Simon cuts him off, I don't want to hear any more of this stupidity. He keeps singing, it's crazy, keeps wanting to sing more. Security walks him off, Simon says they're gonna take you somewhere safe.

Some sparkly girl, Angela Reilly. Could be dumber than dirt; has some weird chin thing going on. She goes on and on about her marriage and her husband, who's a professional model. She can't sing; just over-the-top. Like someone you'd see on rollerskates at a car hop; her husband says he thought it was awesome. Paula just wants to keep him around, gets her to sing another song. They keep quizzing him to see what he thinks of her vocals, for real.

Back with more idiots. They talk about Texas' political history, some nerd boy, Kyle Ensley, who pretends he's running for the office of next American Idol. These kids with tin ears never become real politicians. They show all his outtakes, it's funny. "In case it isn't obvious this is a joke" they say after his fake commercial. His voice isn't horrible, actually; if he looked totally different and didn't have a gimmick it wouldn't be so bad. Simon says you weren't as bad as I though you were going to be; says yes, to put him through Hollywood! Randy says he feels like he was at a glee club, it was very academic; says no. Paula asks how much you want this, he bubbles over with enthusiasm, she's gotta say yes--and does. Man, there are a ton of talented black female singers who just put their foot through the tv.

Some near-comatose, very deliberate woman--man, you just never know now!--is played for laughs. Sings the Power of Love, is just horrible, like a start and stop munchkin. Paula points out you're singing If You Ask Me To; she's much sharper this season, like she's become impatient with the act. She is a nice person, just completely unaware.

By my count they gotta show us 3 more winners in the next 24 minutes. Colton Swon, who looks and talks like someone good. Silly spiky hair, but good demeanor. Sings Boondocks, classic good-ole country boy who can sing, I like him. Don't get lost in your own performance, says Simon; it was okay, but not unique. Gets through, despite an apathetic Simon. He asks them to pretend he was horrible, so he can trick his parents--it's pretty funny, people like him generally do well in Hollywood, confident but not overbearing.

Back with some transsexual-like peeps; then people who just can't sing. The line of the night, maybe the entire 7 years of Idol so far, is the contestant who says: "Here's a picture of me as a guy, here's me as a girl, so I just want to show you guys that I'm ver-sa-tile." Ha!

Drew Poppelreiter, with his entire family, they seem like good folks. He's a farmer; just a down-home boy. Looking forward to him meeting up with the horses girl; never gotten on a plane before. It's almost like they're acting the way they've seen farm boys act in movies--but he does seem genuine. Yes sir/no ma'am kind of guy. Doing George Strait, wow, he has an excellent, deep, resonant voice--this is my favorite voice so far, everyone's grinning. Wow, Simon says no, not his thing; Randy likes him, serious Paula says you are who you are, no wow factor though; but winds up saying yes, even after Simon teases her about it. "I'm going to Hollywood--what about that?!" to the camera... yeah, how about them apples!

It's idiotic to go from that to some jerk of a twerp, who's overproduced. Though he does work with kids... weird one. So intense when he sings it's almost hostile; fact that he's working eyeliner doesn't help; also that he pretends he's holding a mike makes the whole thing over the top. Very disturbing, slightly demonica says Simon; your eyes are pretty menacing, they all agree the eyes are crazy.

For like the 22nd time they go back to Kelly Clarkson; do a montage of bad people singing her songs. Hey, where are all the Hispanics?! This is Texas, right?! Wooh, Nina Shaw, from Clarkson's home town--a tall drink of water as they say, very leggy. She can, of course, sing--good pitch, too. Very old-fashioned says Simon, too cabaret; Paula says too pagent-like. Sings again, Randy likes her, fits her into the throwback stuff going on. Simon disagrees, Paula goes with Randy, and she's through. Simon's too idiosyncratic sometime at the audition stage; he'd rather display himself than give good people a chance to go through.

Well, they've shown 10 good ones, so we know we're back with nothing but idiots. One last person, some guy all in white, with some cape. I guess they're back to the make fun of immigrants thing. They're just laughing at his get-up; he's gonna sing his own composition, We're Brothers Forever. It's crazy; his voice has some potential, maybe, but he's just nuts.

The song's a bit infectious actually--I am your brother/best friends forever/we're brothers until the end of time/together or not/you're always in my heart. He just booms it out; this is fun, even if the judges are just mocking it all. Randy goes up and dances with him, Paula runs out screaming, Randy brings in Ryan, he's left singing alone to Simon. He keeps singing the lyrics, it's pretty funny, actually. Now Paul's doing some sortof crazy dance, it's funny. Simon says he has a horrible feeling it's going to be a hit record; they shake hands, then hug. They play up his admiration for Simon, it's kindof dorky at the end.

24 in all make it out of Dallas; this was one of the most entertaining cities I can remember. San Diego is next.

Here are my favorites out of Dallas; too bad we won't see anymore of that brothers guy.

Except in things like this:



Drew Poppelreiter, country boy
Kady Milloy, impressions
Nina Shaw, tall black woman
Colton Swon, country boy
Pia 'Zpia' Easley, mohawak girl
Brandon Green, fingernails guy
Alaina Whitaker, Carrie Underwood wannabe
Jessica Brown, ex-meth addict
Kayla Hatfield, car accident
Kyle Ensley, politician